Happy Tuesday, friends! Welcome to my Tuesday Talk post...it's been a while since I've gone deep, so settle in today, because I have something to share.
Because I was away this weekend, I got behind in my Bible reading plan, so as I got dressed for work yesterday, I listened and got caught up again. Yes, I listen to the Bible being read to me; it's life changing! I'm kind of between books in the Bible right now, and am flipping between 1 Chronicles, 2 Samuel, and Psalms. It was in the reading of Psalm 73 that I was literally stopped in my tracks. I'm going to share the part that made me draw in a breath.
Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant—I must have seemed like a senseless animal to You. Yet I still belong to You; You hold my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but You? I desire You more than anything on earth. My health my fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever. Those who desert Him will perish, for You destroy those who abandon You. But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign LORD my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do. (Psalm 73:21-28)
This is a Psalm written by Asaph; many things could have been happening as he wrote this, but it's definitely a Psalm that was written out of bitterness. He was struggling at the time that this was written, and he was bitter towards God. That bitterness was probably the result of a deep wound, but that's what he wrote this out of. And it dawned on me that I don't want to be like Asaph was at the beginning of this Psalm. His proximity to God dictated how he viewed things; he was very self focused.
And that's where this whole post idea comes from today. I have been like this recently. I don't want to write one more word about my life prior to the finality of my divorce last year, but in that year's time, I have taken my eyes off of God. I don't really know how or when this happened, but it was probably a slight shift in perspective. And this is where it becomes a very slippery slope. I'm not saying that what I've shared here isn't validated, but enough is enough. I want my focus to be off of myself from now on, and I want to be focused solely on the Lord (and all the good things I have going on in my life, all thanks to Him!). As Tara Leigh Cobble stated in yesterday's podcast, proximity gives us perspective, but the opposite is true. This is me starting fresh with my eyes fixed dead ahead.
So once again, I'm done sharing negative things here. I know I don't always share posts like that, but I have changed and I feel like I've lost a little of myself. This is me hanging on by a thread and fighting my way back. I know that the Lord has had His hand on me, and I know He will continue as I walk forward starting today. Right now. On another note that's also a little bit tied in with all this maybe is that I have made a very difficult decision, and I put words to it yesterday to back it up so that I don't change my mind again.
I've decided to start visiting other churches. I resigned from the praise team at church, and when I emailed this to my friend and worship pastor Joshua, he immediately called me while I was still at work. I texted that I'd call him back later, and I did. I wanted to make sure he knew where my heart was in this, and it's not that anything happened to make this seem like a last minute decision. It's something I've been wrestling with for months and months, and I've been back and forth. It's based on the memories that I have there of being a family in that church. Though part of those are wonderful, it's very painful for me. I'm tired of running into people who ask me things about the demise of my marriage, and who lament with me. As sweet as that gesture is, it's exhausting, and it's prohibited me from fully moving on.
I won't be out of my church all at once; this will be gradual, but I think I may start looking this weekend. There are two that I have in mind that I want to visit, even if I go alone. I'm okay with this! I assured Joshua that I would be in and out as these weeks go by. More than anything, I feel so excited about this much needed change in my life! I want you to be excited with me and for me...I don't consider this a sad thing at all, but just another necessary move due to this new life that I'm living. So many other things have changed...what's one more?
Alright well, this is where I would love for you to chime in. Please feel free to leave me honest opinions here! I welcome them all; I'll also reiterate for the thousandth time how much I love my family and am thankful for them. I need truth spoken to me! Thanks for reading here today, friends. I'll see you back here tomorrow for the Hodgepodge. Love to all!
Jenn
