from my heart...a rambling post of words

Happy Tuesday, friends! I can't believe how quickly August has slipped by; but then again, yes I can. As of yesterday, we had two full weeks of the month left, and then my favorite time of year starts. I plan on doing some things around my house this week to celebrate that, so stay tuned! I've been consumed with all that took place over the last week and a half, so because of that, I'm not linking up for Fashion Files today. Honestly, outfits have been the furthest thing from my mind. Today is going to be a long post of rambling about all the things in my brain. Buckle up! (My graphic is from August 3rd and not accurate.)

Yesterday was both a good day and a hard day; I'd anticipated that, to be honest, so it didn't come as a surprise. I was so tired by the end of the day, and so grateful that my sweet friend Abbey brought us dinner. Anytime that I get to see her is good for my heart! I'm very anxious (in a good way) to start living my life again, so I'm looking forward to doing things after work soon. Once again, I have a new normal to adjust to, and I'm okay with this. I know you might be wondering what's next for me, and honestly, I am wondering the same thing. I know a hundred percent that I loved Chris, and we had hoped to get married on New Year's Eve 2027 in an early evening ceremony so that everyone could go on their merry way afterward and celebrate the start of a new year. 

I don't say that to make you sad for me, I'm just sharing the truth here. All of that to say, I do not plan on "getting back out there" anytime soon. I do not want to even think about dating for now, and I've told the Lord this in my prayer time. Even after I grieve and heal, I don't know that I'll be interested ever again in getting on another dating app. I figured the Lord can just put someone on my path if that's what He has for me, but I am not wanting that anytime soon. Like I said, all of this is too fresh, and I can't even think about that right now. I hope to lean heavily on my friends during this time. I am not interested in "going out" in the way that others go out; I'm never opposed to dinner and a margarita, but I have zero interest in anything other than that. 

What I do hope to do is work on my home! I still plan on selling my house in the next few years; there are lots of spaces I can work on to get ready for that in the meantime. I have a few home projects that I would like to tackle...I'd love to paint my front door, and maybe even the handrails on my stairwell. Chris had been working on getting me an iron handrail, but I just might use paint instead. I'm not sure about that yet, but I would like to figure something out. 

On the topic of projects, I mentioned yesterday that I went to lunch with some older lady friends after church on Sunday. One of them, Faye, lost her husband seven months ago. She shared that she'd recently read that if you're grieving a loss of any sort, that when you do a project of some sort, that it helps your brain to heal from the tear that happened as a result of the loss of a loved one. I thought that was interesting as well, that your brain physically tears or changes when you lose someone you deeply loved. And how cool that doing a project helps it to heal! It makes sense, right? It's good to stay busy when life is hard; none of us need to stay home and "wallow" for too long. I say that lightly, because wallowing is healthy as well...but there's a balance. 

I am also planning on using work as a project. I talked to Amy yesterday before I went to work, and she suggested that. I loved the advice, and I'm going to use it for the future. What that means for me is that I'm going to take advantage of working for a school; I'll use my pass to go to football games for free, I'll go out with co-workers for cocktail hour, I'll attend the high school plays. I'm going to make good use of my free time now that I'm living life solo again and am looking forward to doing more things with my work family. 

All of this to say one thing: I am going to be okay. It's different, not what I would have chosen for myself, and will take adjusting on my part, but I can say confidently that I will be okay. I have my sons, my family, my friends, my work, and most importantly, my Jesus. I am clinging to Him with everything in me, and I know He will get me through anything. I'm not the only person on earth ever to walk through some tough seasons, and I won't be the last. Many of you have called me strong here...I don't feel that way very often, but I know that God within me is strong and He is the one giving me strength. 

There's a passage that talks about this; it's when Paul had asked the Lord a few times to take away the thorn in his flesh (so to speak), and each time the Lord didn't take it away. He told Paul that His power was perfected in Paul's weakness, so that when Paul was weak, people would know that the Lord was strong. You can find that in 2 Corinthians 12, around verse 9. I will also say to you what I've been thinking on the last few days: I don't like trials, but when I walk through them, I feel closer to the Lord than ever before. It's the reminder of me being unable to do things on my own, but when I've got Him to lean on, than anything is possible. 

These are just the thoughts rolling around in my brain. I would say expect more posts like this as time goes on; I'm feeling more wordy and less link party, not that a thing is wrong with them. I just need to write, honestly, and this is like free therapy for me, so I'll keep doing this. Thank you for your kindness and encouragement, and for always being here to read. Love to all 

Jen