hello Monday

 

Happy Monday, friends. Before I get started today, I wanted to thank you for all the sweet comments, prayers, emails, and messages about Chris. I have to say that it was the prayers of people who love me who helped me through all of last week. I'm so grateful for all of you, and for this sweet community of people here who love and encourage me. I also have to say that I am so glad last week is over and that this week is a fresh start. I'm going back to work today, and I am so excited. 

I didn't do that much this weekend; Friday took everything out of me. I was fueled by a sick stomach and a ton of energy even though I didn't sleep a wink the night before. I had a lot of people coming over that afternoon after the funeral, so I stress cleaned all morning. I also did a little bit of laundry, and then I vacuumed. There has been a steady stream of people in and out of my house since Friday, August 7th. I've become accustomed to people just walking right in the front door, and I love that people feel at home enough with me to do that. 

Anyway, after a morning of cleaning and getting ready, it was finally time to leave for the funeral that I'd been dreading. I have pictures on my phone that I've hidden in a folder so that I won't see them every time I look for a picture; I won't share those here, because it seems very private. But I will share these two.

The funeral was lovely; I did a great job with the music, if I do say so myself. My friend Will did the service, and he did an exceptional job with sharing a message that was perfectly timed. There were so many people there, which I loved. Have you ever been to a funeral that wasn't well attended? I have, and it's heartbreaking. There was a great turnout for this one. So many of the people were there for me; it was for that reason that I kept the guest book. There was a moment at the end before they closed the casket that all of his racing friends went up there and prayed; they invited me up there as well, and I love that they surrounded me like this. I held it together that day really well, except for the beginning and again at this point. Then at the graveside, they all took off their leather racing jackets and laid them on his coffin. I lost it at this point once again, because it was such a beautiful gesture. 

We came to my house after this, and I only have these pictures to prove that to be true. 

I wish I'd gotten these when Trish was still here, but she had to leave a little earlier. People have been so sweet to continue to provide food for me; Missy told me this weekend that it will continue through the end of this month. I have been inviting people over to eat with me to help me eat it all; I don't want to waste the food, and I'm sending home leftovers with people. As I write this, I have so many desserts: a brownie trifle, strawberry cake, two chocolate bundt cakes, a cobbler, and some apple crumpets. 

Early Saturday morning, I took Lisa to the airport to get her back home. She was directing a wedding that same afternoon, so it was a busy day for her! I'm so grateful she could be here with me for a solid week; when she found out that Chris had died, she was in her car driving to the airport an hour later headed here to me. She flew a redeye flight to be here by 9:30 Saturday morning, and we didn't stop the whole day. I relied heavily on her and Trish all week, and I missed Debi; she couldn't be here because of a work trip later that she had to be on, but I know her heart was here with us everyday. I dropped Lisa off at the airport and then proceeded to cry the whole way home. I just drove, and cried, and prayed. 

It was my first "normal" day at home mostly alone. I did mundane things that needed to get done; I washed my sheets,  towels, and pajamas, I cleaned out my refrigerator and pantry, I cleaned out the hall closet, and then I binge watched America's Sweethearts. I took a nap, I ate some leftovers, I talked on the phone, I laughed, and I cried. But I made it through the first "normal" day/Saturday. I also watched a sermon from my old church that multiple people told me to watch, including the Pastor. And about church...

I loved my new church. I still love the new church. But I cannot step foot back inside that lovely place without Chris; I don't think my heart could take it, as sad as that makes me. It's funny how the thing that drove me away is the same thing that's bringing me back to my old church. I left my old church because of memories and because of the fact that people knew me and my story so well. But in the last week, it's been those very people who have surrounded me and reached out to me. The people from Living Hope have done the same thing, though...but I'm not as known there as I am at CFBC. So it's there that I started back to yesterday, right beside my best friend, Missy. I honestly don't know how long this will last; I started writing this before I went to church yesterday morning. It was so strange going in there yesterday; it didn't feel normal or even right. I realize I don't have to figure it all out overnight.

I'm so grateful for my friends and family. I know I keep saying that, but it's true and is worth mentioning a million more times. It's how I was able to go to church yesterday; I had people to sit by who love me and who just constantly surround me with support. I don't have to be anyone else than just me when I'm with them there, and that was what felt good. After the service, an older friend of mine invited me to lunch with her and some friends, so I took her up on her offer. We had a delicious lunch; I was so sleepy afterward, so I turned on a comedy show on Netflix (Leanne Morgan) and fell asleep on the couch. For the rest of the night, I took it easy. I ate dinner, I worked on my blog for the week, and I brainstormed with Jonah over what to do with these dogs of his that I still have. I went to bed pretty early to get ready for the new week at work. Wish me luck! 

I'm not sure how much I'll be here this week, but I'm going to try. I want to get back to all of my normal routines, because I think it will help me. Thanks for reading today, friends, and for always being here for me. Love to all.

Jen